Not yet so Jaded

I’ve always said “Guys like it when you hug them from behind.”   I’ve been recently been informed that he may only let a girl hug him from behind if he likes her.   So I can only hope he likes me.  Who am I kidding, he likes me.

I’ve also always had this thing about putting my hands on my mans knees.  I’ve been told that for some it could solicit an elbow to the head.   Sometimes, actually most times, I am all hands.  If I dig a guy, my hands are everywhere.  I don’t take into consideration that he may have spots he doesn’t preferred touched.  Maybe I should, but I’ve done well going on my intuition about a guy.

My babys daddy cheated on me because I can only be who I am.   I can’t be anyone else.  I can’t be the leggy brunette he eyed during a gig.  I can’t be the 22 year old mixed ethnicity dance major from NYU.  We ended because I could only ever trust him to be who he is.  He is the same boy I fell in love with 20 years ago.

Tangled Web

Cyber reality.  Relating through the new age romanticism of digital bliss.  Who’s to mock it?   People used to fall in love through letters written back and forth.   Often times waiting weeks or even months for a response.

A small snap shot, blurry, scratchy , would sometimes be included.  People pledged their undying, happily ever after love to each other this way for centuries.  Is it so different now?

Response time is quicker. Nearly instant.  Photos are clearer unless artistally altered for affect.  Minds are spoken through the liberation of what should and shouldn’t be said shifting sides.   Whereabouts and distances between prospective couples have become but a “click” away.

Handwritten letters were replaced by emails.  Emails were replaced by love texts.  Text were replace by instant messages and those by mobile instant messages.  Remember those scratchy, unclear photos that used to be sent by post? Well they have been replaced by email.  Email photos now come in second to mobile picture mail.  Its a wonderful thing to take a picture of yourself and send it instantly along to your loved one so they know exactly what you’re doing even if they can’t be right there with you!

There are arranged marriages.  There are long engagements.  There are couple who’ve met in a bar.  Couples that met at work.  Couples that met at the gym.  How could any of these be more real or substantial then via the internet?  People meet where they have a common ground.  They are originally drawn to each other if they are physically attracted.  They get to know each other if they have similar interests.  They stay together if they fall in love and realise no one is gonna do a better job of fulfilling all their wants.

I know spending time in person is still important.  You can’t smell a person via  the internet! You can’t know if their snoring or teeth grinding will keep you up at night until you meet them.  You can’t really be aware of all their habits which may or may not be annoying to you unless you hang out with them in person.  You can’t know if the two of you will kiss right until you meet.  You can’t know how your hand will fit in theirs until you grab a hold of if.  I am aware of all these things.

I like to start at the beginning.  I like to utilise the conveniences of our modern times.  Internet meeting is as romantic as the two people involved make it.  I am a hopeless romantic of the new age.

Adonis, Elementary

I was many a teachers pet in elementary school.  I didn’t try to be , it just always worked out that way.  I was cute and little and smart and paid attention and did my school work and didn’t talk back and was helpful to others.

Being the teachers pet has many perks, however the only one that was of any importance to me was helping to organise seating arrangements in the class room. I would stay in at recess and lunch to help to that! I didn’t mind moving the desks and chairs around with the teacher.  I loved helping to figure out who would do better sitting by whom.

I would remind the teacher that so and so was best friends with this and that and if they sat together they would talk all the time.  I also would point out who was a bully and whom they liked to bully so they wouldn’t get stuck sitting next to each other.  I always made sure I’d sit next to the same curly blonde haired blue eyed boy from kindergarten through 6th grade!

I actually did sit next to him most of my elementary school time served.  He never had any idea that I orchestrated it, but I did.  I would often rest my chin on my hand and elbow on my desk and lean in his direction in hopes of our arms brushing.  Sometimes we would reach for the same pencil or eraser or piece of paper and “accidentally” touch hands!

He was so dreamy!  I even made my parents change to from Aim to Crest toothpaste so my breath would smell like his.  He had the longest eyelashes and most dreamy eyes to stare into.  I used to love when he wore a baseball cap to school and his curls would stick out from under the hat.  I remember being upset everytime his mom took him for a haircut.

One day I was walking in front of the Blockbuster store and I heard a “hey.”

I didn’t acknowledge it.  Then I heard a “hello.”

It wasn’t aggressive or anything so I actually looked in the direction from whence it came. I didn’t recognise the fellow so I kept on walking.

He called my name next and there was no more denying the fact that I knew him, or well that he knew me at least.  So I stopped for real and really looked at him.  It took me a few minutes to realise who it was because he was taller, his face looked like a man and he was thinning on top!!! I didn’t want it to be the cherub of my school girl crush!  But it was.

His family is having a backyard bash in a month and he invited me via email.  I haven’t seen him in 8 or 9 years this time round.  I’m not ready to see him as an old man!

Listed

I gotta stop finding the flaws in my perfect guy. I’ve found him time and again. I’ve enjoyed time with him. But inevitably I’m done. It never fails.

For a while I thought I just got bored because I’m so fickle. Than I thought being with me brought out the worst in a guy. I know I jump too quickly, so being hasty was always a possibility. But then I reconnected with the “bane of my existence” and I realised what my problem had been my entire adult romantic life! I had always been hung up on Him!

He was on the road with his band most of the time when we first started making our ways back into each others lives. I so looked forward to his two days home so we could have dinner or go to a movie or just sit on my porch late into the night talking about everything. Every text made me smile. Every email we sent eachother was full of “I love yous” and I hadn’t been so willing to except that through and through from anyone in forever!

I fell hard, again. I always fell hard for Him. We taught eachother how to do everything. No one was ever gonna fill his shoes for me because I had spent 17 years building up my memory of Him and how I wanted to be in Love. Its an impossible feat to fall in love for the first time, again. That’s what I’d been looking for I guess.

He was the same self centered, self promoting, cocky, charming, stylish devil that I fell for in our teens and I had no trouble falling head first all over! I couldn’t understand why I was so blinded to all his faults. He proudly exhbited many of the traits that kept me from even befriending a man! Yet I longed for our lips to be sealed together whenever they weren’t.

We got pregnant. He cheated. I broke up. We reconciled. I could only trust him to be who he was. So I kicked him out again. I was cured. Or so I thought.

I have continued to meet wonderful men. I mean why would anyone want to meet non wonderful men right? But I mean, I’ve met men that I’d love to fall for but somehow, somewhere, something quashes it for me. Perhaps I should write down my list and those that can’t fufill the requirements on it need not reply. Well its a start anyway:

1. big kid, meaning likes kids, meaning gets along with kids.

2. artistic, not necessarily by profession but mos def by nature.

3. can make me laugh

4. will and is able to comfort me when and if I need it.

5. kisses perfect with me

6. will wrestle with me

7. more musically inclined than me, which isn’t asking much.

8. skates,inked, rides a bike, not a bicycle a BIKE.

9. health conscious, doesn’t have to be mr. picture of health but a few hundred abs a week never killed anyone!

10. he must be able to cook

Sweaty Rose

I had my first boyfriend in the sixth grade.  Well he asked me to “go around” and I said “yes.”

We used to hold hands during the films on movie day.

Our hands always got sweaty and I thought it would gross him out.  Everyweek as our class would pile into the auditoreum with a couple other classes.  He and I would always sit together at the back of the aud.  I was always worried he wouldn’t take my hand because I thought he might be grossed out by it sweatiness from the last week.  He always took my hand.

After about six months, which is very long for a sixth grad couple to “go around” I wanted to break up with him.  He was smart and cute and popular but I started to crush on my boy best friend.  I wrote my boyfriend a letter, wrapped it around a red rose and stuck it in his desk.   He didn’t find it until a week later.

Wicked Tongue

During rehearsals he was a really cool guy. But everytime we would go out as a group for drinks or something he would feel the need to hit on me. He was at least 6’4″ and 190 lbs. I’m 5’3″ and at the time weighed 120 1bs. Needless to say he had a bit of an advantage on me if it ever came to a scruffle.

I just learned to make sure to stay clear of him when he was drinking. One time one of the other cast members attempted to “come to my rescue” and they almost started fighting! I didn’t want to be the cause of any drama so in the wise words of my mother:

“I don’t want to have to fix the problem so I avoid making the problem.” Now you must imagine her saying that with her best Thai “fob” accent, just for affect. But I have found myself muttering that very same mantra to myself on many occasions. Sometimes for work, sometimes with my children and very often times in relationships .

At our closing night cast party we all went to the leading man’s house. His parents were out of town and his older brothers were away at school or something so he volunteered his pad. I knew to avoid the big guy but somehow he made his presence and his desire known to me every chance he got. I made sure to stay in groups and as a matter of fact I only drank one beer the entire night.

I had offered to help clean up after the party so I was there for the duration. I noticed as the night wore on, he and his friends were still around and they weren’t doing a good job of keeping an eye on him. Finally his chance came and he cornered me. He asked

“What would happen if I stuck my tongue in your mouth?” That was his come on line! I said,

“I’ll bite it off.” He smirked. I suppose he didn’t think I was serious. He was a very beautiful speciman of a guy. Tall, dark handsome and quite a good conversationalist when he wasn’t drinking. He was a horrible drunk and even his friends knew it. I think he was used to getting what he wanted from women because of his beauty and personality not to mention the fact that he was an actor.

He kept me cornered for a moment and then a group of people came into the room and he set me free. I started picking up beer bottles and cups and he and his friends went to find the host so they could say their goodnights.

I was picking up the living room and the host was walking people to the front door and hugging them or shaking their hands or giving kisses good bye. He asked me to come over and play hostess so he could make a “proper impression” on his guests. He was like that, but thats an entirely different story. Did I mention that we were dating? I was the engenue in the show and he was the leading man, it happens!

The big guy and his group approached the foyer and I didn’t want to have to come face to face with my foe again but I figured his friends had him under control now. The host and I hugged and shook hands and I recieved kisses as our guests departed. Then he came up to me and I put out my hand to shake his. He just smirked and leaned in to kiss me and I turned my head so he would kiss my cheek but then he grabbed my face and planted one on me!

He stuck his tongue right in my mouth and I did exactly what I said I would do. I bit it. I bit it hard! He struggled to get his tongue back and then he tried to go after me but everyone saw what happened and two of his friends pulled him out side the door and another one pushed while a fourth began to apologise to me profusely.

I nodded but didn’t speak because I realised my mouth was full of his blood.

Rattle and Hum

We had broken up a year earlier. He broke my heart. I then, dated and was marked by an underclassman and broke his heart. He went away to college. He came back to take me to dinner.

I put myself in a situation with a boy down the street that I felt comfortable in. The only uncomfortable business was that he was his friend. I was ready to move on. He already had. Until he knew I was.

Somehow, and honestly, I don’t know how it happened but we all went on a date together. I think he may have unwittingly invited himself. I wasn’t sure how this was gonna play out. HIs friend was not gonna let him move back in on me.

We went to see the rockumentary, Rattle and Hum. The music rocked. The cinematoghraphy made me carsick. We bought a six pack of MIckeys big mouth on our way to the theatre. His friend had a mustache and though we were all way underage, he wasn’t hassled.

I had one. HIs friend, our designated driver, had two. He started to notice that there was a bit of a connection between me and his friend. He finshed off the other three, quickly. We got out of the car, it was a black camero circa 70′s.

We bought our tickets. I don’t know who paid for mine but I think his friend may’ve bought all three, actually. Grabbed a couple of sodas and other junk and made our way in. Somehow, I sat in the middle of them. Not my choice.

The movie started and are arms were on the rests. I had on a sweat shirt and as cold as movie theatres are, I was burning up. I couldn’t enjoy the movie. The tension on both sides of me was taut. I felt like I was holding my breath.

I don’t know who felt their right to be so bold first but someone did. One of them slyly slipped his hand in mine. My eyes widened. Then the other one, not knowing the activity of my other hand, fused with my empty one. My stomach knotted. Needless to say, the rest of the movie was just noise and swirly visuals. Do you know that movie is over two hours long? I certainly do. I was tempted to put their hands together!

Shirtless

He  was hot.  He walked into the room and he knew that all the girls looked his way hoping to catch his sparkling blue eyes.  His hair was brown and shoulder length and he had it pulled back, just waiting for the perfect timing to let it fall loose.  He knew he had it going on.

It wasn’t always this way with him.  In Junior high he was chubby and pimply faced and extremely obnoxious!  By senior high he had started to play sports and sprouted about half a foot.  But his face wasn’t entirely cleared up and he still relied on his annoying outbursts for attention.

By the time I wanted to know him, he was 22, 6’3″, and had learned the wonders of hygiene.  He had a decent paying job and he dressed like a grownup.  A very handsome grownup.  He had the perfect set of lips and he owned them and any girl that was graced with his conversation.

After our third or fourth date we went back to his apartment on the west side.  I had to pee and before I left the door open I asked him if he minded because I figured we were about to see each other naked anyway.  He didn’t mind which earned him cool points for being comfortable in human skin.

When I came back from the bathroom he had taken off his shoes.  I did the same.  Then his pants, mine weren’t even buttoned yet since I had just used the bathroom.  Then he took off his shirt and I was no longer interested.

The Kiss

I’d known him since kindergarten.   He was a grade higher than me.  I got sent to his class for reading and math time because I was a bit ahead.  He had red hair.

We were never great friends or anything but we were nice to each other.   In  the third grade I got to join the GATE class.  He was already in it.  We became closer acquaintances.  I got to disect a frog and a sheeps eye.  Infact he and I were in the same group for the sheeps eye and we fought over who got to take the lense home!  I won.  It was pretty cool.

When I got to middle school I saw him during P.E. class.  We had it the same period.  I never really said anything to him. Maybe a nod of acknowledgement here or there.  I think he joined the Tennis Team and I was on the Gymnastics Team at our school.  He was always good at drawing.

I joined yearbook in the tenth grade and he was one of the main contributing photographers and layout designers.  His senior year he became a co-editor!  I was just required to take photos of my classmates and if anything came out the teacher would tell me.  I enjoyed doing the page layout for my peers and I did manage to get a couple of my shots in the yearbook.

March or so of my sophmore year he got the nerve up to ask me out.  I wasn’t popular or anything, (although at my ten year reunion I found out I was indeed popular and very intimidating!) I was pretty shy, kept to myself and pretty much off the beaten path.  He hung out with the popular group, not that he was particularly popular, he was just a nice guy and if he took your picture it was gonna end up in the yearbook, so he had alot of friends.

I thought about his offer and I’d not really been on a real date before so I got my parents permission and agreed.   We went to eat and then to the movies.  I don’t remember where or what.  Most likely somewhere in Burbank or Glendale.  He had his moms car for the evening.  It was nicer than his own and he really liked me.

When we got back to my house I invited him in for a little bit.  We sat in the kitchen and talked.  Then I noticed how late it was and told him he had to go home.  He asked me if I’d walk him to his car.  I had a feeling what that meant but I did it anyway.

When we got to his car he asked me if i wanted to makeout for a while.  I gave him a funny look and in that instant of confusion I suppose I had let my guard down because before I knew it his mouth was on mine and he was leaning me into the back seat.  Fortunately I was strong, still am actually, and I was able to stay standing outside of the car.  Unfortunately I had his mouth on mine!

His tongue was heavy and fat and wide.  There was saliva everywhere.  He just shoved his tongue in my mouth and kinda wiggled it around a bit.  He kept his mouth wide open.  It was disgusting!  I let him kiss me, well if you can call it kissing, for a couple minutes because I thought it might improve and I had never kissed a boy so maybe I had to give it time to grow on me.   It didn’t improve or grow on me.

I finally made my way out of the kiss.  He then asked me if I wanted to get in the back seat and makeout some more.  I said it was too late and I really needed to get back in my house.  We said our goodnights and he left.  I swore I would NEVER soul kiss EVER again!

He asked me out a few more times.   He even asked me to the Junior Prom.  I politely declined.  He then ended up asking a friend of mine.  She was also in Yearbook and she was more involved in it than me.  She agreed to accompany him to the Prom.  The next monday they were and item.  They actually dated for quite some time.  I always felt sorry for her because she had to kiss him.

Manicure

His daughter only lets him paint her nails.   I’ve fallen.   He’s a father.   He’s an artist.  He’s my butterfly.