I know You

I was touring with the asian american theatre group Here and Now and we had just finished doing a show at USC.   We were packing up our gear and I heard my name followed by a question mark.  I turned around and saw a man that I recognised as a boy I had gone to high school with.  We said our hellos and shook hands and went on our separate ways.

A few days later, it was a Sunday, my roommate and I had on our “shopping” outfits.  Baggy jeans, converse, tee shirts and big hoodies.  We matched, and we looked like we were heading to Disneyland not the market!  This was our shopping ritual.

We walked into the market, well most likely skipped in together holding hands and we literally bumped into the guy from the show!  He had on dark blue shorts with the LAFD on them.  I thought to myself that a fireman would be a nice novelty!  I teased him about his shorts and he informed me that he was just a poser.  He was actually a health inspector for the city of Los Angeles.

We said bye and went on with our weekly shopping.  We danced about the store, silly little girls with not much a care on our minds.  I would run up and down the aisles and jump out at my roomie.  She’d just do her best to ignore my antics usually.  We had different dances for different parts of the market.

While we were next to the milk i started doin a little groovy shimmy.  He saw me and walked over and commented on my “awesome milk dance!”  I thanked him but I told him it wasn’t a milk dance because we weren’t buying milk, we were just passing through the dairy section.  He nodded.

I invited him over during the next week to help us paint the inside of our new pad.  He said he would be sure to be too busy too.  He’s married now and has a toddler and a cheating wife and another baby on the way.

Firm

They still come. I’m almost forty and I have a womans body that carried two children, but the body shots still come. I enjoy them, really I do. I haven’t outgrown my appreciation of a set of nice abs. I do admire the work that goes into attaining them.

I find myself in an interesting position. My best friend says she would not be comfortable with a younger , boy like guy , she thinks it would be gross. I think its good motivation for me to stay fit. I relish tracing the shape and form of a well chisled body with my fingers on a late, lazy sunday morning. My taste is my taste, I don’t think its going to change.

I hope that when I meet Him, and when I write “Him” I’m not referring to god, I mean my Him. I’m hoping that I will enjoy watching Him age and always see the beauty in His body through every stage. I believe in growing old together and I look forward to fighting gravity hand in hand!

My concern is what if I don’t fall for Him? I mean I’ve been with the younger guys and then they got older and I was done. I wasn’t really done with them because they had aged, it was just coincidental timing that I was over some other fault of theirs.

There is just something about the firmness of the muscles and the tautness of the skin that draws me in. I also enjoy the lack of baggage and the eyes that aren’t yet filled with quite as much cyniscism as my own. I think I live vicariously through them for the moments we spend together.

I met potential Him two days ago. He isn’t as young as I’d prefer but he isn’t as old as I defer. I knew his voice before I heard it. It is a voice that could reason with me when I become illogical. It is a voice that could soothe me after the most stressful day. I recognised it instantly and felt at home. It’s the same thing with his eyes. I know them. They hold stories in them that I’ve heard before, because I’ve lived a parallel to them. Then there are his hands that will know my body without my guidance, guaranteed because his head does.

Lone Wolf

I didn’t ask for much.  Just two texts a day for one week.  I just wanted a little something to wake up to and go to sleep smiling because of.  He couldn’t do it.

I understood that distance can make a relationship difficult.  But I was never looking for a deep connection with him, really.  He was a dalliance from the heavy relationships I had been living in for the past three years.  I liked that and I wanted to keep it that way.

I knew he didn’t ever want kids and I’m not even sure if I could want anymore.   I knew that he lived far away and that brought me comfort to think that I could have my own space.  I never really thought of the long run, because it wasn’t where my head was and was not part of the precedent he and I had set up .

However, when I asked for the two texts a day, I didn’t think I was asking for much.  I very rarely ask for things because I don’t like to.   I feel that if a person wants to do something for/to me they will.   If they don’t and I have to ask them to then it’s not coming from their heart.

I knew not to push him.   He’s a lone wolf and I respect that.  However, I like having good talks on the phone occasionally.  I appreciate a well worded message in my inbox.  I look forward to looking over at my phone during work and seeing the message light blinking!

He didn’t give those things to me.  I’m still not exactly sure why not.  Maybe because he doesn’t know how?  Maybe because he didn’t want to?   But I’m not gonna be the one who teaches him, actually he’s already learned it.

He apologised to me about the text thing tonight.  He said that he was wrong and he wanted to make it right.  I told him that it was too late.  I’d flipped the switch months ago.   He didn’t want to believe that! He realises now that he made a mistake by not doing what I asked.  He realises now that He wants to do the things I want and need. He’s a few months too late.

Nouveau

I like new. I really love the getting to know eachother phase. Its full of curiousity and discovery. That’s the easiest time of a relationship. Both parties actually want to be there. They look forward to getting to know each other and finding similarities, because let’s face it, we are all narcissistic beings.

I play it straight. I’m upfront. I tell it like it is. I’m easy to talk to, I enjoy listening and absorbing and if the guy is good looking enough I actually pay attention and remember what they say! I’m easily impressed when a guy remembers things I’ve said only because I don’t expect him to recall much of anything.

I like the beginning. I like looking forward to the likes and dislikes. I like anticipating the phone calls. I cherish his smell on my shirt because we hugged goodnight. I enjoy noticing all the little things he notices. It makes me smile when he knows exactly what i mean.

Its always fun at the start because once you get over the nervousness of the newness you realise you have a blank canvas. Fresh start. You can hold on better to his details. You can figure out if those little eccentricities of his are adorable or actually annoying and this time maybe even before you sleep with him!

I really dig those butterflies when the phone rings or when he says my name at 1:00 in the morning. I long for the electricity that passes through me when he holds my hand or even just looks at me the right way. It’s especially nice when he brushes my arm with his and my knees go weak.

My friends call me fickle and tell me I’m superficial when it comes to men. My problem is I know what I don’t want. That helps me decide on what I do want. I want the weak knees when he looks at me across the room. Infact I want to catch my breath every time he looks at me forever. I want to feel those butterflies with every kiss he ever gives me.

Motorcycle

I used to choreograph for Occidental College and I was always good at putting anyone in my dances.   I could make someone with two left feet look graceful just by giving them the right moves.  I loved finding the right dance positions for people.

This one particular year I was choreographing with two of my girlfriends.  We were working on a suite, Lenny Kravitz, U2 and Led Zeppelin.  We needed boys in this creation and we were able to recruit a couple of the girls boyfriends but that wasn’t enough.

We noticed that guys would pass the dance studio on their way to the gym and if the music was loud enough and we were moving around interestingly enough they would stop and watch awhile.  We also learned that the more scantily clad we were the more inclined they were to engage us in conversation.  So we aquiesed.

Our ploy worked.  More and more boys would stop by and watch for awhile and then we’d be able to chat with them on our water breaks. Slowly we gathered an army.  By the end we had eight boys in our dance.  It was great, we could do lots of partner work!  It was challenging getting the boys to shake it but they really wanted to impress us.

One of the boyfriends was originally supposed to be partnered with his girl but they were too similar in height and on one move she kept kneeing him in the groin.  So I took him on as my partner.  I gave her a bunch of solos throughout the suite to make up for stealing her partner.  Which I did on stage and off.

We just had a lot of chemistry between us.  I was in an on again off again relationship and he really wasn’t convinced that she was the one.  We didn’t want to hurt anyone so we didn’t really do anything for the run of the show.  It was obvious that there was an energy between us but we kept it straight.

After the show we would ring eachother occasionally.  Once in a while we would hang out.  Once I went over to his apartment and his roomate tried to seduce me but was so drunk he couldn’t get it up. I remember him playing his harmonica and serenading me!  My dance partner didn’t have any problem, but I couldn’t get off.  I was sooo attracted to him but nothing.

Another time he came by my house and whisked me away on his motorcycle to house that he was watching.  We went in the hot tub and made out for ever.  I was so turned on but when we made our way to the bedroom, as excited as i was, I couldn’t get off.   He was still on and off seeing the same girl and I think that was my problem.

The last time we had any contact was back in college when we bumped into eachother.  I was going to P.C.C. and I don’t know what he was doing there.  I was doing a show and I was sitting outside running lines and smoking a cigarette.  He saw me and we spoke briefly.  I was genuinely glad to see him and hug him.  He made it a point to stop by around the same time a few more times.  One day he handed me a letter.

I was seeing someone at the time.  In his letter he told me that he had always had feelings for me it was just that our timing was off.  He also informed me that he and his girl were done.  Did I mention I was seeing someone at the time?  His letter was exactly the sort of letter I’d love to receive from a prospective suiter.  Unfortunately, his timing was off.

Downpour

Sometimes it pours. And I don’t prefer umbrellas. I love to feel the rain on my face, all over me, soaking my hair and drenching my clothes. Wet through and through.

Its pouring now and I welcome it. Very rarely has there been a dry spell but the storms always arrive when I least expect them to. I’m less guarded when I have more foe. Strange, maybe its because if I stay distracted by the masses I can’t commit to giving too much of myself away to one.

I definately have a type. I can spit it out real quick without much thought: tall, white, pretty, nice hands, sexy gait, toned, artistic, intelligent, inked, entertaining, kiss freak ( like me) funny and under thirty. Five years ago the age limit was between 20 and 25 ideally. But I realised I’m a woman now and I can’t play with boys forever. Anyways, I can meet someone and it all gets thrown out the window. Maybe sometimes only parts of my list get tossed aside. But I always hold on to something from it and as I walk away I add a new “want.”

I really thought having kids and getting older would slow the down pour, but it doesn’t. I suppose a pretty face is prettier with smile lines from laughing with her children. I believe a rockin body is more attractive when its carried the burden of another life inside it. I have learned that intelligence and wisdom only come to those that choose to listen to even the tiniest voice. I know that a good strong heart is made more beautiful when filled with unconditional love.

Marriage

I met him six weeks after I’d moved out of the house I shared with my soon to be ex husband.  I was so ready to meet someone new.  I was ready to go on dates and hold hands and laugh.  I was ready to find out if I could fall in love.  Hadn’t been able to do that in over a decade.

The ex and I had been separated for almost a year and hadn’t had sex in almost two.  I was ready to do that again too.  I just had to know if I could “feel” again.   I’d moved out of the master bedroom as soon as we moved into a house that had one.  I camped out with the kid.  I even shared a closet with the baby.   I didn’t want to have anything to do with the ex and had felt that way since before we got married.

So why did  I get married is always the question people ask.  I got married because I felt it was the right time in my life.  I got married because I knew he really loved me, I mean really, honestly loved me just because I was me.  I got married because I told him I would.   I got married because it made our parents happy.   I got married in Norwalk at the City Hall, paid $65.00 for a license and ten more for the Justice of the peace to perform the ceremony.

I had the best wedding I’d ever been to actually.  It was so simple and easy, except for the fact that I didn’t want to marry him.   We had gone somewhere in New York and bought him leather pants.  Then we went down to Melrose and I found a metallic turquoise mini dress and he found a long sleeve button down to match.  We both wore wingtips.  I had a parasol to match my dress and the best mans boyfriend put together the most gorgeous bouquet for me.

We fought from the moment we awoke that fateful morning.  He rushed me out of the house so quickly that I didn’t even get to brush or dry my hair.  I remember sticking my head out the window on the 5 south.  We had 13 people in attendence if you count the “in my belly” Maximilian.  My mom didn’t like the number as we sat down for dim sum wedding feast.  I thought it absolutely appropriate.

During the ceremony he started to cry, because he was so happy.  He’d been engaged two other times and broke it off with the girls because he had come to his senses.  He always told me that I was his “East Village Dream Girl.”  How ironic that I was born and raised in Hollywood, the town he despises.

He held my hands as we listened to the vows we had to repeat.  His tears fells down his quivering cheeks, one after the other.  I noticed I was crying too but not for the same reason.  I wanted to vomit and it wasn’t the morning sickness.  I wanted to bolt and it wasn’t because I’m afraid of commitment.  I stood there at the altar, my feet firmly planted and my hands held tight and I cried.  I cried because I knew it never had a chance.  I knew he loved me and I would never invalidate that, but he never loved me the way I want to be loved.

Chicano

I told him I didn’t want to.  I knew he only got back with me to go to the Senior Prom.   Silly it seems now.   I had such a great dress.   He just mauled it off of me.

We were in my parents living room and I really don’t know how he was allowed to stay at my house so late, but he was.  I know i told him to stop.   He didn’t listen.  I know he heard me.

The next day I had to work the senior dunk tank at our school faire.   I had hickies all over my neck and I tied a red bandana around it to cover up all the marks.   He told me he would meet me at the faire.   He never showed.  I got knocked into the water and the bandana did not do its job very well wet.

I walked to his house after my shift was over.   It was an extremely up hill walk.  My neck was throbbing.  He really did a job on it.   I got to his house and noone was there.   He’s a lawyer in L.A. now.

The Village

I didn’t have anything better to do. I was in between men and really wasn’t interested in meeting anyone new. My girlfriend, who was married to my rehearsal director, had a night off from her house wife/mother duties and was going out to meet up with an old friend. He lived in the city and she didn’t feel like coming back to brooklyn on her own late at night so she invited me to join her.

She said we could go meet up with her friend, who was newly single and”such a great guy.” She felt noone would ever be good enough for him though she just wanted him to meet a nice girl and settle down already. Funny thing is she always said the same things about me.

We took the subway to the city and walked a couple blocks to his apartment. He met us outside. They hugged and she introduced me, again, I had met him in December briefly and it was now May. We shook hands. He brought us inside his place and the game was on. Bulls and someone else, I liked the Bulls so i sat down in the living room to give the two old friends some “catch up” space in the kitchen.

He took us to a jazz bar first and the sitting arrangements amused me. We got our drinks and I followed my friend as she followed hers. He sat down and then she sat down next to him and i sat on the outside of our booth. When he came back from buying the next round he pushed me over so that I was in the middle and he had the outside. Then she had to pee. When she got back somehow I had to stand and she took advantage of that and worked out the seating so that he was all the way in, she was in the middle and I was on the outside again!

When we left we headed over to Nightingales. Its no longer in the east village on second just above fourteen. He called it his “Church.” Damn he was real cool. He just exuded coolness. He didn’t say much, he chainsmoked, he could hold his liquor, girls couldn’t stop staring at him and he dressed the part.

At Nightingales the house band which wasn’t officially the house band but ruled the joint every friday night for many years was getting ready to go on. Before that though there was a jukebox and i put on Pearl Jam and he put on Jimi Hendrix and my friend didn’t like how he started to look at me. Did I mention she was married and her husband was basically my boss and he was at home taking care of their children?

As the band played I moved closer to the stage and I danced along with the other followers. My friend stayed back with her friend. He kept watching me dance. I was oblivious. When it was time to go, He didn’t want me to. We were married five months later.

Pond Jumper

It was already late but we weren’t ready to call it a night yet.   So we stopped into the club on the way to town, The Wild Boar.   A couple of the girls had sandals on so they were denied entrance.  At that, a few more decided it was late and they wanted to go home.

Our big group went down to five or six.   We still wanted to dance, so we decided to walk through town to get to The Boat.   We were 18-19 year olds in a different country where it was legal for us to drink and a couple of the girls really took advantage of that fact!

We requested Erasure, A little Respect and Madonna’s latest, Vogue.   Everytime the DJ would play those songs we would all have to get up and run to the dance floor so we would ask the two guys at the tabel next to us to watch our stuff.  They obliged.   It seemed that those two songs just kept taking turns playing that night and the more we danced the more some of the girls drank and the more entertaining we as a group became!

At one point I was sitting at the table alone and one of the guys watching our stuff while we acted like fools, introduced he and his friend to me.   They were a year older than me, 19, and both working full time office jobs already.  The quiet one had just broken up with his girlfriend and the chatty one decided it was time to take him out on the town to meet someone new.

The three of us started talking and the quiet one asked me if I was part Thai.  No one ever knew that and I was very impressed but then he informed me that he had taken a recent trip to Thailand and thats how he could tell.   My girlfriends would occasionally grab me up to dance and on one of those occasions the quiet one asked if he could buy me a drink.  I said okay.

He got up from the table to walk to the bar and I was dragged to the dance floor.  As I was pulled through the crowd I looked back at my new friend sitting alone and I pointed to him and mouthed “I want you.”

He jokingly looked behind him and then back at me and pointed to himself and silently asked ” Me?”

I laughed and pointed at him again and mouthed ” Yes, you!”

We knew eachother for three more years after that night.   I broke up with my boyfriend back home.   He visited me in the states three or four times.   Eventually he met someone and his letters and phone calls stopped.  He’s almost forty now.  He probably has a few kids and is losing his hair.  He was such a funny guy, full of life an laughter.  I always like the fact that he had crows feet at the age of 19 just because he loved to laugh so much.